The O-Word

Everyone knows it's a no-no to say the n-word. 
It's also frowned upon to say the f-word in most scenarios.
But, have you ever had a date flee from you because you spoke the "o-word"? I'm not talking about orgies or oral sex. I'm talking about the word "orgasm".


Let me bring this into context for you. Over the past few months I began attending a bible study. At the bible study I became instantly attracted to a tall, dark, and handsome regular named Darin. Darin and I started chatting, went out a couple times in group settings, and eventually decided to meet up for a drink on our own.


I had a few friends questioning my choice of date. Was he a bible-thumper? Was he a prude? Was he a virgin? I assured them that he was very normal and that they need not worry. At least for once I was going on a date that hadn't being initiated online! The evening started out well enough, with some beers on a patio, surrounded by twinkle lights and a warm summer breeze. The conversation was good and there was plenty of laughter, so when the night ended with an ass-out hug (you know the awkward kind that I'm referring too) I didn't even mind.

The second date I decided to make more intimate though. I invited Darin over for a drink at my place, as my parents thankfully had gone up to our cottage for the weekend. Another evening of laughter passed by, though I noticed that he made sure to leave two cushion lengths between us on the couch. And then something remarkable happened. I began telling a story, that I assure you was PG rated, and in the story I said the word "orgasm" (okay maybe PG-13) when Darin turned the colour of a ripe tomato, coughed a little and said: "Oh. You just said the o-word so I'm going to change the subject now." And then he did.



I sat there bewildered at what had just happened. Did my twenty-six year old date just find himself incapable of saying the word "orgasm"? To me the n-word or f-word are generally words too despicable to speak because they are so offensive. But, orgasm?? Offensive?? If I had wanted to be vulgar I have a list of words more inappropriate. It's an actual medical term! My only explanation for his repulsion of the word is that he, unfortunately, has never had one.


Darin quickly excused himself shortly after my supposed dirty outburst. He has conveniently been absent from bible study, likely to avoid me and my profanity. And, I have been on the hunt for a man who is manly enough to say the God-forsaken "o-word". 


(As found in the dictionary) Orgasm [awr-gaz-uhm] the physical and emotional sensation experienced at the peak of sexual excitation, usually resulting from stimulation of the sexual organ and usually accompanied in the male by ejaculation.

Danny Downer

Every time that I think I have seen it all in the dating world I am thrust into a date more unusual than the last. I suppose that is a good thing, because so far it has meant I continue to have an ample supply of writing material.


So far I've dated a leprechaun, a porcupine, a hyena, and even Zoolander himself, but all of those guys at least had one redeeming quality in common: they were happy. NEVER have I been on a date as depressing as the last one I went on. I encountered my very first Danny Downer. 


Danny and I chatted online for weeks before being able to find a night to actually meet. He told me he was a police officer in training and had to work night shifts, so finding an evening to meet was challenging to say the least. We met up at a Moxies restaurant in between our two homes. The first thing I noticed was that Danny only slightly resembled the picture he had posted. He looked more like the cousin or the older brother of the guy I had been looking at online. This doesn't surprise me anymore, but I still don't understand why you wouldn't just post a picture that looked like yourself. The moment I lay eyes on you, the jig is up.

But I digress. Danny's misrepresentation of himself was not the cause of this disaster date. It was once we sat down and ordered drinks that I was overcome with the gloom and doom that surrounded my date. Danny quickly launched the conversation into war. From there we moved to his failed attempt to get into the police academy (I found out that he was actually working as a night shift security guard, not a policeman). It's hard to remember where the conversation veered from there but topics also covered included: his grandmother's recent passing, his sister's ovarian cancer, his parents divorce, and his dog that had gone missing a few weeks prior.


Now, I'm not a cold, heartless bitch. Clearly this dude had some serious issues or some incredibly bad luck. But, really?! To talk about all of this on a first date?!? Whatever happened to good old-fashioned small talk with a dash of work woes and a sprinkle of family life? No, no. I was unleashed into Danny's depressing vortex of doom. And if this date hadn't been uncomfortable enough, I was trying to play psychiatrist to Danny while simultaneously trying avoid Zoolander (see Zoolander post if you haven't yet) because I forgot that he worked the bar at this particular Moxies. So between playing Dr. Quinn and also trying to be Houdini hiding my face behind my hair, I was completely spent by the end of the night.


Danny and I have not spoken since the date. I think after he was done venting he realized what a downer he really had been. I do hope that things work out for his family and that his dog returns home to him soon. Because nobody wants to go on a blind date with Danny Downer. Especially, yours truly.