Sexual Healing

A couple of weeks ago I got a killer headache that lasted for days. I tried Advil, sleeping more, sleeping less, cold packs, heat packs, yoga, but nothing would shake it. I would go to bed with it and wake up with it for days on end... this was one stubborn headache! Finally, when my cranial pressure became unbearable, I started to wonder if maybe there was some connection between my wound up brain and my wound up vajayjay from a recent lack of sex. (The blog title doesn't lie people!)


With that conclusion in mind I decided action must be taken. I mean, this is my health were talking about. But having no boyfriend up for duty, and a one stand with a random being rather unappealing, I decided to call up a friend. 


Troy and I have been friends for a few years, we always have fun together, and we had one hook up a while back that was particularly enjoyable. So in search of some sexual healing I called Troy up and asked him point blank for a "favour". I explained that my health was in jeopardy and as a friend I would appreciate if he would help me out by having sex with me. That's what friends are for, right?


Troy first complimented me on my forthrightness and explained that he had a commitment that evening that he would try to get out of. After we hung up, he called back about 30 seconds later and said he was in. And so, a therapeutic evening of romping began. We managed to get a couple rounds in that night, and though the headache had magically disappeared by then, we squeezed one more round in the morning for good luck.  I know self-diagnosing is frowned upon, but in my case, playing doctor cured me right up.


It's been a week now and I have remained headache free, but Troy assured me if that call of duty was required again, he was my man. So if you have a nasty headache that won't shake, why pop a pill when there's a much more pleasurable way to release that tension? Worked for me...

-Dr. Crystal Quinn, Medicine Woman.

The Doppelgänger

After getting lazy with my dating life for a couple of months, I decided to step up my game and go on a date again. I had been chatting with Michael for a couple of weeks and we set up a coffee date right in my neighbourhood. Michael's profile gave little away about himself, but he seem liked a really genuinely nice guy, even if his pictures looked a bit dorky. Since all the handsome men in my life have turned out to be assholes, I thought dorky might be good.

So I can't even describe my surprise when we met and I realized that Michael was not dorky in the least. In fact, he was smoking hot. It is pretty rare to find someone that good looking who could simultaneously be that unphotogenic, but there he was. Now, his surprise handsome features would have been a really good thing if it wasn't for one small detail: he was my asshole, cheated on me for three years, lying, manipulative ex's doppelgänger. (For those of you who don't watch How I Met Your Mother or have just never heard of the term, a doppelgänger is a person's body double- sort of like a long, lost twin.) And as far as my evil ex and Michael went, they were IDENTICAL... from the creases on his forehead, to his two crooked bottom teeth, and even his perfect crystal blue eyes. It was uncanny.


Anyway, I found myself on the world's most bizarre date as this very sweet, very handsome guy began to tell me about himself and I did a mixture of gawking at him and giving him the stink eye. Part of me wanted to just tell him the reason I was acting like such a weirdo was because he was my ex's twin, but I didn't really think the first words out of my mouth should be about an ex.


By the end of the night I had convinced myself that this was my evil ex's saintly twin and maybe I should give him a shot. But apparently my lack of interesting conversation and continual stink eye didn't make Michael feel the same way. Truth be told, I really don't know what to make of the whole date. Maybe it was God playing a practical joke on me, maybe it was closure for a relationship that turned sour. But it certainly chalked up to be one of my strangest dates yet.


So the question is... do I dare put myself out there again?