A couple of days ago I felt like a total fatty after a week of overindulging at endless social events. I decided to start the week with a bang by going to a spinning class at my gym. Spinning is by no means my strong suit, but I always admire the skinny toned bodies I see as I waddle my way down to the pool (okay, I am not a hippo, but beside these skinny bitches I feel like I'm waddling).
I really didn't really know what to expect when I arrived, but after seeing my hot, buff instructor set up his bike, I was hopeful that it wouldn't be a total waste of my time.
Hot Spinning Instructor (we will refer to him as HSI from now on) cranked up some techno beats and had us all sweating before the end of the first song. And yes, I will admit that I was sweating from the exercise, but my heart rate was rising even more with his very sexual commands at us.
I kid you not. This was the "motivational words" that HSI growled at us:
"Turn it! Add it! Slide it! Push it!"
"Harder! Don't stop! Harder! Push it!"
Over and over again. In fairness, he meant for us to turn the knob (see it's still sexual), add intensity on the wheel (are you sensing a theme yet?), slide our asses back over the seat to work our thighs more (I don't need to be told twice), and push our bodies HARDER. Umm, OKAY?!
I literally had to bite my tongue from crying out, "I'm coming!" I wanted all the other skinny bitches to take a hike and leave me alone for a private sexy spinning session for two.
Anyway, by the end of the 45 minute workout I had not only burned a gazillion calories from pedaling my ass off, but I also had an extra flush from being extremely turned on for 45 minutes straight. The up and downs on the seat mixed with HSI's "Push it harder, ladies! Don't stop!" left me in a delirious state of foreplay ecstasy.
I'm not sure if all those other women go to that particular class with HSI for the same benefits that I got, but I must say if I do land a man, I will have to boycott that class, cause it would sure as hell feel like cheating getting that much pleasure from a total stranger.
But for now, HSI, my butt, my thighs, and my libido thank you.
In Romeo and Juliet, Juliet expresses that a name is an artificial and meaningless convention. But I say that she is wrong. I know, who am I to argue with Shakespeare? But in a name.... is everything!
I came to this conclusion after completing my first grueling month on eHarmony. I haven't been on the site long enough to pick up many observations, with the exception of one : countless "matches" of mine have the most horrendous names.
I know that this is totally superficial, but I went through my matches and thought I would share the best of the worst names I have come across.
Here is a list of names of some of my potential future husbands:
1) Gary/ Gerry/ Gerard/ Bernard : An ugly theme I found of old man sounding names.
2) Boris : He just sounds boring. What do you shorten it to? "Bor"?
3) Vicken : I want a man, not something cool to smear on my chest.
4) Floyd : The "oy" sound makes me think of my least favourite word... moist. (*shudder*)
5) T.J/ T.P/ T.C : Seriously, what does the mysterious "t" stand for? Toad? Turd?? Testes???
6) Igor : Igor the Ogre? Perhaps a new children's series...
7) Bran : Mmm fiber. That's sexy.
8) Kikarapa : It sounds like "kick a rapper" when I say it out loud.
9) Aventinus : Sounds more like James Cameron's next big blockbuster than a man's name.
10) Spyro : All I can picture is a cartoon villain from a kid's TV show in the 80's.
Now, to any reader who is married to someone with a name on my list, I apologize. I am sure he is lovely, despite his unfortunate name. But, to anyone who named their child one of these names... what were you thinking? It seems that at birth these men were destined to end up on an online dating site. Like the name was a catalyst for a self-fulfilling prophecy of awkward lonliness.
Again, I know how shallow this sounds. But no matter how many times I play it in my head, I just can't picture my wedding day.... "I, Crystal, take thee, Kikarapa, to be my lawfully wedded husband...."
It just doesn't fly. So sue me.
"Turn it! Add it! Slide it! Push it!"
