What's In A Name?

In Romeo and Juliet, Juliet expresses that a name is an artificial and meaningless convention. But I say that she is wrong. I know, who am I to argue with Shakespeare? But in a name.... is everything!


I came to this conclusion after completing my first grueling month on eHarmony. I haven't been on the site long enough to pick up many observations, with the exception of one : countless "matches" of mine have the most horrendous names.


I know that this is totally superficial, but I went through my matches and thought I would share the best of the worst names I have come across. 


Here is a list of names of some of my potential future husbands:


1) Gary/ Gerry/ Gerard/ Bernard : An ugly theme I found of old man sounding names.


2) Boris : He just sounds boring. What do you shorten it to? "Bor"?


3) Vicken : I want a man, not something cool to smear on my chest.


4) Floyd : The "oy" sound makes me think of my least favourite word... moist. (*shudder*)


5) T.J/ T.P/ T.C : Seriously, what does the mysterious "t" stand for? Toad? Turd?? Testes???


6) Igor : Igor the Ogre? Perhaps a new children's series...


7) Bran : Mmm fiber. That's sexy.


8) Kikarapa : It sounds like "kick a rapper" when I say it out loud. 


9) Aventinus : Sounds more like James Cameron's next big blockbuster than a man's name.


10) Spyro : All I can picture is a cartoon villain from a kid's TV show in the 80's.


Now, to any reader who is married to someone with a name on my list, I apologize. I am sure he is lovely, despite his unfortunate name. But, to anyone who named their child one of these names... what were you thinking? It seems that at birth these men were destined to end up on an online dating site. Like the name was a catalyst for a self-fulfilling prophecy of awkward lonliness.


Again, I know how shallow this sounds. But no matter how many times I play it in my head, I just can't picture my wedding day.... "I, Crystal, take thee, Kikarapa, to be my lawfully wedded husband...."


It just doesn't fly. So sue me.