How To Lose A Girl in Ten Steps

I had my very first eHarmony date. It was terrible. But, I figure if you start out poorly, you can only go up from there! The interesting thing is that Fraser was perfect on paper (minus his unfortunate name). Handsome, well-dressed, CEO of his own company, incredibly smart, wealthy... I should be taking him home to meet the parents, right? Wrong. Although Fraser was ideal in his credentials, he lacked one very important thing: social skills. 


I don't want to go as far as to say that he had Asperger's, but I have never encountered someone as socially inept as him. So if anyone ever intends to be a terrible date I thought I would give you a winning recipe, courtesy of Fraser :


1) When setting up your first time to talk on the phone and the girl suggests 10pm, tell her that is too late and maybe you will text instead. Changing your bedtime routine for her would be a sign of weakness.


2) When you do talk on the phone, tell the girl that you want to make sure you meet in the daytime so you can see her in "really good lighting". A girl needs that important reminder that you will be scrutinizing her down to her very pores.


3) When the girl asks you to arrange the date half an hour later because she will be rushing from lunch with a friend, don't compromise at all. Instead, say, "No, no we'll meet at 3pm." This doesn't show that you are rigid or controlling. Just lovably inflexible.


4) When you do meet the girl, make sure to pick a fight with the first topic she brings up. Women love to be challenged. You may hurt her feelings, but at least she can see what a great debater you are!

5) When the girl shows you a picture of her brand new baby niece, ignore the photo all together and instead point out the lovely icon arrangement on her iPhone. Paternalism is for losers. Show her she can have full rights and responsibilities of praising your unborn children.


6) When the girl is about three sips into her coffee, put on your coat and tell her you feel like doing something else. That isn't rude at all... it's spontaneous!


7) When you bring the girl to this new place (a book store), wait until she shows interest in some section, then promptly leave and do your own shopping. This way she can see how much independence you will give her.


8) When the girl points out a book that she is interested in reading, tell her it looks like crap. No sense in letting her waste her money. You know how to judge a book by its cover!


9) When you leave the store, walk slightly in front, as opposed to beside her. This will help reinforce to her that you are a leader.


10) When you abruptly decide that the date is over, tell her you would like to do this again sometime. She surely must have had as an enjoyable time as you!


Well, that's it my friends. My first eHarmony date, beginning to end. No embellishments necessary. (May I remind you that I'm now paying for this shit.) 


Lesson learned? Don't let your date get to number ten. I should have bailed on Fraser after number three. Lesson definitely learned.