Wednesday, 18 January 2012

Can't Buy Me Love

So I've tried Plenty of Fish. All I found were freaks.
I've tried OKCupid. I didn't find my Valentine.
I've tried pretty much everything... free, that is.


Apparently these "free" sites aren't where you land a husband, so I've been told by my mother, sister, and best friend. If you want to find a man serious about commitment, you've got to pay. And damn, love don't come cheap! (Sorry, don't know why I turned all ghetto superstar there... back to me).


Apparently, love comes at the low cost of $49.99 a month. No guarantee you will find Mr. Right. No guarantee of landing a date even, but if you want to see who might be your match it's going to cost you. So after my sister told me that she had almost purchased me an eHarmony membership for Christmas (thoughtful, but OUCH) I decided to do it myself. I bit the bullet, told myself my good years are getting shorter, and the supply of good men is dwindling, so now is my time to act. I signed up for eHarmony.


I got pretty excited filling out my online profile. It kept flashing happy couples at me, smiling. I want to be them, I thought. I want to be Gerry and Julia. Meghan and Mark. Dan and Diane. I want to be one of those smiling, gushing, nobody-can-stand-to-look-at-you-cause-you're-so-in-love couples. I became even more encouraged when the screen flashed at me saying that there were something like 12 million people on this site. I just need one! That's pretty good odds!
So imagine my disappointment upon completing my profile, when I was sent seven measly matches. That's right, seven. How much of an anomaly am I? Seven?! So I judiciously went through my seven matches to discover the following:


-Two were trolls
-Two looked my father's age, though apparently were mine
-One had fourteen spelling mistakes in his profile
-Two looked... mediocre.


So from twelve million to two. I began sweating as I frantically digested ever inch of their profiles. One of these men had to be my future husband! Plenty of fish in the sea, my ass.


As it turns out, neither of those two were my match made in heaven. But I was sent seven new matches the following morning, and every morning thereafter. So maybe my prince is somewhere still in cyber space and a little computer robot will match us up any day now. 


Cause at $50 a month, I've gotta find him, and fast.



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