I had my very first eHarmony date. It was terrible. But, I figure if you start out poorly, you can only go up from there! The interesting thing is that Fraser was perfect on paper (minus his unfortunate name). Handsome, well-dressed, CEO of his own company, incredibly smart, wealthy... I should be taking him home to meet the parents, right? Wrong. Although Fraser was ideal in his credentials, he lacked one very important thing: social skills.
I don't want to go as far as to say that he had Asperger's, but I have never encountered someone as socially inept as him. So if anyone ever intends to be a terrible date I thought I would give you a winning recipe, courtesy of Fraser :
1) When setting up your first time to talk on the phone and the girl suggests 10pm, tell her that is too late and maybe you will text instead. Changing your bedtime routine for her would be a sign of weakness.
2) When you do talk on the phone, tell the girl that you want to make sure you meet in the daytime so you can see her in "really good lighting". A girl needs that important reminder that you will be scrutinizing her down to her very pores.
3) When the girl asks you to arrange the date half an hour later because she will be rushing from lunch with a friend, don't compromise at all. Instead, say, "No, no we'll meet at 3pm." This doesn't show that you are rigid or controlling. Just lovably inflexible.
4) When you do meet the girl, make sure to pick a fight with the first topic she brings up. Women love to be challenged. You may hurt her feelings, but at least she can see what a great debater you are!
5) When the girl shows you a picture of her brand new baby niece, ignore the photo all together and instead point out the lovely icon arrangement on her iPhone. Paternalism is for losers. Show her she can have full rights and responsibilities of praising your unborn children.
6) When the girl is about three sips into her coffee, put on your coat and tell her you feel like doing something else. That isn't rude at all... it's spontaneous!
7) When you bring the girl to this new place (a book store), wait until she shows interest in some section, then promptly leave and do your own shopping. This way she can see how much independence you will give her.
8) When the girl points out a book that she is interested in reading, tell her it looks like crap. No sense in letting her waste her money. You know how to judge a book by its cover!
9) When you leave the store, walk slightly in front, as opposed to beside her. This will help reinforce to her that you are a leader.
10) When you abruptly decide that the date is over, tell her you would like to do this again sometime. She surely must have had as an enjoyable time as you!
Well, that's it my friends. My first eHarmony date, beginning to end. No embellishments necessary. (May I remind you that I'm now paying for this shit.)
Lesson learned? Don't let your date get to number ten. I should have bailed on Fraser after number three. Lesson definitely learned.
So I've tried Plenty of Fish. All I found were freaks. I've tried OKCupid. I didn't find my Valentine. I've tried pretty much everything... free, that is.
Apparently these "free" sites aren't where you land a husband, so I've been told by my mother, sister, and best friend. If you want to find a man serious about commitment, you've got to pay. And damn, love don't come cheap! (Sorry, don't know why I turned all ghetto superstar there... back to me).
Apparently, love comes at the low cost of $49.99 a month. No guarantee you will find Mr. Right. No guarantee of landing a date even, but if you want to see who might be your match it's going to cost you. So after my sister told me that she had almost purchased me an eHarmony membership for Christmas (thoughtful, but OUCH) I decided to do it myself. I bit the bullet, told myself my good years are getting shorter, and the supply of good men is dwindling, so now is my time to act. I signed up for eHarmony.
I got pretty excited filling out my online profile. It kept flashing happy couples at me, smiling. I want to be them, I thought. I want to be Gerry and Julia. Meghan and Mark. Dan and Diane. I want to be one of those smiling, gushing, nobody-can-stand-to-look-at-you-cause-you're-so-in-love couples. I became even more encouraged when the screen flashed at me saying that there were something like 12 million people on this site. I just need one! That's pretty good odds!
So imagine my disappointment upon completing my profile, when I was sent seven measly matches. That's right, seven. How much of an anomaly am I? Seven?! So I judiciously went through my seven matches to discover the following:
-Two were trolls -Two looked my father's age, though apparently were mine -One had fourteen spelling mistakes in his profile -Two looked... mediocre.
So from twelve million to two. I began sweating as I frantically digested ever inch of their profiles. One of these men had to be my future husband! Plenty of fish in the sea, my ass.
As it turns out, neither of those two were my match made in heaven. But I was sent seven new matches the following morning, and every morning thereafter. So maybe my prince is somewhere still in cyber space and a little computer robot will match us up any day now.
Cause at $50 a month, I've gotta find him, and fast.
Most women like to put a splash of something on in order to smell nice, but I think that it is really important to take the time to pick the perfect scent... for you. Not all perfumes smell the same on each person because of the oils in our skin, so scents can change person to person.
For me, it's Calvin Klein's "Euphoria". I got a tester of it about four years ago, and each night that I dabbed some on I had guys fawn all over me. I'm not even exaggerating when I say that guy's literally stopped me on the sidewalk and said wide-eyed "You smell AMAZING." I smiled bashfully and replied, "Thanks. It's my euphoria." So, after countless confirmations from male strangers, I decided that whatever this scent was doing mixing with my oils, it was working. I bought myself a bottle and for four years I have shooed all other scents away, determined to make this scent my own.
I have always wanted a sexy smell associated with me, so when some random woman walks in a room with MY scent on, it makes all the men think of me. And after four dedicated years, I finally got confirmation of this from a male friend of mine. He had "smelled" me at a party that I didn't attend. I was attending a different party where my spicy scent had been... approved.
Mission accomplished.
Euphoria may not be the scent for you, but taking the time to find out what perfume turns magic on your skin, is worth the fireworks it could bring.
