Offline Dating

Last weekend I was visiting with some friends when one of them asked me if I was still doing the online dating thing. I told her that I was momentarily fed up with the bullshit that seems to come along with online dating, and how for the past month I had tried a new, novel idea: offline dating.

That's right. I have been meeting men in normal, every day places, and getting to know them in an old-fashioned way, minus the cushion of cyber space. And it has been remarkably refreshing. No awkward "What do I send as a first message" drama. No need to sum up the entirety of myself into one bullshit "About Me" box. Just plain, good ol' fashioned, meet up at a pub and get to know each other dating. 

Once I coined this term to her though it made me wonder if one day, not too far into the future, people will be paying companies to orchestrate their own "Offline Dating" scenario. Picture this: you pay a company (much like eHarmony) who will carefully conjure up a way for you to meet someone with similar interests in a seemingly normal scenario. In line at the supermarket, at the movies, at a mutual friend's house. People paying big money to avoid the tiring world of online dating, where your picture is scrutinized more than your personality. (Now that I think of it, I'm sure such a company probably does exist already...)

And since I have been stuck in a poetry phase (I truly do apologize for this), I put down some of my thoughts about this online obsession in a poem: 

Unplugged

Lost in a world of technology -

It's soaked me up like a wet sponge.

Not sure any more of my identity,

Is it the girl in the mirror,

Or the girl on my Facebook wall?

I'm watching my thoughts becoming extinct

As the world re-names them as 'tweets'.

I've started anonymously blogging to no one,

So maybe I write it to myself.

I long for a time of pen and paper 

And stamps again.

For love letters to hold 

Instead of reading on a screen.

To be kept in my own memory

Instead of my computers.

I long for a time when love was found

On a street corner or a coffee shop,

Instead of a virtual world 

Littered by cheap advertisements.

I think it might be time for me to unplug,

In order to find love and myself

The old-fashioned way.

Pick Up Trick #4

Be A Sport


This past weekend I went to two professional baseball games and learned something interesting... this is the BEST pick up place ever.


Here's why. The guys are hot. Ladies, you keep wondering where all the attractive men are on weekends? Look no further. They are all conveniently crammed into one place for some easy pickin. And since it's baseball there are no missing teeth and mashed in faces like hockey, and no old leathery skin like golf. Fact: baseball attracts attractive guys.


So here is your recipe for success picking up at the game:


SUIT UP: Nothing screams sexy to a guy like an old vintage, stained polyester jersey. Seriously though. I wanted to rock the team spirit all the way, so I dug up an old school jersey from a market and it was a huge hit. I had guys coming up to me before I even entered the stadium telling me "That jersey is SICK."(Sick in the good way, that is) Mustard stains and all ladies... no cleavage necessary.


MAN UP: If you do a little research and actually learn your stuff you can impress the guys at game time. Don't be the annoying girl like the one who sat beside me... "What is the score again?" (Look at the scoreboard dummy.) "How many innings are there?" (Barf.) If you're going to go, man up and learn the rules of the game.


DRINK UP: The sun is shining. The beer is flowing. Even if the beers cost $12 for a tiny cup, everyone is there to have a good time, kick back, and be social. Plus the tiny little seats force new friendships fast. So drink up if you need a little liquid courage to talk to the hottie squished to your left.


PICK UP: You've got everything you need to land a man. So next Saturday, boycott the bar and move the search to your local stadium... I promise you won't be disappointed.


Play ball!

Another You

So in my last post (slash rant about the most recent douchebag in my life), I mentioned I might give you a peek at some sad, self-indulgent, Adele-worthy poetry that I wrote mid-breakdown. After looking at it again I decided against it. It's just too damn depressing. Even my friend looked like she wanted to remove all sharp objects out of my reach after I shared one particularly dark one about me "slipping through the cracks". Barf.


Soooo I opted for an angrier one that I wrote. This one is more Alanis- worthy. Enjoy.


Another You


Crush me, hush me, and lie to my face.
Seduce me, confuse me, then leave without a trace.


You yearn for me, burn for me, and long to consume.
You use me, abuse me, but get bored all too soon.


Kiss me, miss me, gaze deep into my eyes.
Then hit me, hurt me, and say no goodbyes.


You bruise me, you use me where it will not show.
You pruned me, attuned me to stay where you go.


I met you, then let you just pick up the reigns.
I licked all my wounds, and I hid all the pains.


I've had it, your habits have shown your untrue.
You crossed me, you lost me... I'll find another you.


-----------------------------------------------------


Ahhh, the cathartic release that comes from such self-indulgent writing. 


And, just for fun, I thought I would attach the moving, bluesy original "I'm Gonna Find Another You" by the much more talented John Mayer. 

Jekyll & Hyde

So after a few dates on eHarmony that ranged from disappointing to disaster, I encountered a man who seemed scarily perfect for me. I'm talking, show's over, slap a ring on my finger and let's walk down the aisle.


Aside from the fact that this man (we will call him Jekyll) was obscenely gorgeous, built like a rock from years of working in construction, well-mannered, funny, and kind, he also showered me with a wide array of compliments and was refreshingly open with his emotions. After the first date, he told his clients about me. After the second, he told his mom about me. Then he told me he was sure that us meeting involved a higher being and that just being near me was surreal. Then he admitted that he kept wondering if "this could be it".


Needless to say I was swept off my feet. Where I normally I am jaded and guarded, I was open and vulnerable, relishing in this new, quick developing relationship. Jekyll was a keeper, and apparently he thought the same of me.


Cut to last week when he randomly dropped off the face of the earth. I'm talking gone without a trace. I called the first day. I texted the second. By the third day, I convinced myself that he had lost his phone so I emailed him. By day five there was still no word and I worried that he was dead in a ditch somewhere. So on day six I decided to be bold and drive to his house.


Let me tell you my surprise when I found Jekyll (or Hyde should I say) happily working away on his basement, humming away to some tunes as he hammered. So, despite feeling like a crazy stalker barging in on his house, I tapped him on the shoulder.

I told him I thought he was dead and was glad to see I was wrong. 
He laughed. 
I asked him what happened. 
He nonchalantly shrugged and said he was busy. 
I asked him why he didn't just tell me that.
He said he didn't want a relationship.
I asked him why he didn't tell me that.
He shrugged again.


I stood there in total shock, not sure who this monster of a man was that I was talking to. How had he morphed so quickly? And better yet, WHY??


So I told him he should grow a pair of balls and man up and be honest versus some chicken shit asshole who makes a sweet, innocent girl worry about him all week. He didn't respond to that. (Which gave me satisfaction- all about the small victories!)


The last thing I told him was to try out honesty with the next girl he dated instead of ignoring her. He snorted, rolled his eyes and muttered, "Whatever."


And so I left my former Prince Charming's house wondering who the hell had cast a spell on him and turned him into the world's biggest douchebag.


Anyway, a week has passed. I cried and listened to some angry Alanis for one day while I wrote some sad poetry (which maybe I will share soon). Then I washed my hands clean of both him and online dating for a while. I've realized I'm totally over it now, but the next time I meet a man who seems too good to be true... I'll know he probably is.

Sexy Spinning

A couple of days ago I felt like a total fatty after a week of overindulging at endless social events. I decided to start the week with a bang by going to a spinning class at my gym. Spinning is by no means my strong suit, but I always admire the skinny toned bodies I see as I waddle my way down to the pool (okay, I am not a hippo, but beside these skinny bitches I feel like I'm waddling).


I really didn't really know what to expect when I arrived, but after seeing my hot, buff instructor set up his bike, I was hopeful that it wouldn't be a total waste of my time.


Hot Spinning Instructor (we will refer to him as HSI from now on) cranked up some techno beats and had us all sweating before the end of the first song. And yes, I will admit that I was sweating from the exercise, but my heart rate was rising even more with his very sexual commands at us.


I kid you not. This was the "motivational words" that HSI growled at us:


"Turn it! Add it! Slide it! Push it!"


"Harder! Don't stop! Harder! Push it!"


Over and over again. In fairness, he meant for us to turn the knob (see it's still sexual), add intensity on the wheel (are you sensing a theme yet?), slide our asses back over the seat to work our thighs more (I don't need to be told twice), and push our bodies HARDER. Umm, OKAY?!


I literally had to bite my tongue from crying out, "I'm coming!" I wanted all the other skinny bitches to take a hike and leave me alone for a private sexy spinning session for two. 


Anyway, by the end of the 45 minute workout I had not only burned a gazillion calories from pedaling my ass off, but I also had an extra flush from being extremely turned on for 45 minutes straight. The up and downs on the seat mixed with HSI's "Push it harder, ladies! Don't stop!" left me in a delirious state of foreplay ecstasy. 


I'm not sure if all those other women go to that particular class with HSI for the same benefits that I got, but I must say if I do land a man, I will have to boycott that class, cause it would sure as hell feel like cheating getting that much pleasure from a total stranger.


But for now, HSI, my butt, my thighs, and my libido thank you.

What's In A Name?

In Romeo and Juliet, Juliet expresses that a name is an artificial and meaningless convention. But I say that she is wrong. I know, who am I to argue with Shakespeare? But in a name.... is everything!


I came to this conclusion after completing my first grueling month on eHarmony. I haven't been on the site long enough to pick up many observations, with the exception of one : countless "matches" of mine have the most horrendous names.


I know that this is totally superficial, but I went through my matches and thought I would share the best of the worst names I have come across. 


Here is a list of names of some of my potential future husbands:


1) Gary/ Gerry/ Gerard/ Bernard : An ugly theme I found of old man sounding names.


2) Boris : He just sounds boring. What do you shorten it to? "Bor"?


3) Vicken : I want a man, not something cool to smear on my chest.


4) Floyd : The "oy" sound makes me think of my least favourite word... moist. (*shudder*)


5) T.J/ T.P/ T.C : Seriously, what does the mysterious "t" stand for? Toad? Turd?? Testes???


6) Igor : Igor the Ogre? Perhaps a new children's series...


7) Bran : Mmm fiber. That's sexy.


8) Kikarapa : It sounds like "kick a rapper" when I say it out loud. 


9) Aventinus : Sounds more like James Cameron's next big blockbuster than a man's name.


10) Spyro : All I can picture is a cartoon villain from a kid's TV show in the 80's.


Now, to any reader who is married to someone with a name on my list, I apologize. I am sure he is lovely, despite his unfortunate name. But, to anyone who named their child one of these names... what were you thinking? It seems that at birth these men were destined to end up on an online dating site. Like the name was a catalyst for a self-fulfilling prophecy of awkward lonliness.


Again, I know how shallow this sounds. But no matter how many times I play it in my head, I just can't picture my wedding day.... "I, Crystal, take thee, Kikarapa, to be my lawfully wedded husband...."


It just doesn't fly. So sue me.

How To Lose A Girl in Ten Steps

I had my very first eHarmony date. It was terrible. But, I figure if you start out poorly, you can only go up from there! The interesting thing is that Fraser was perfect on paper (minus his unfortunate name). Handsome, well-dressed, CEO of his own company, incredibly smart, wealthy... I should be taking him home to meet the parents, right? Wrong. Although Fraser was ideal in his credentials, he lacked one very important thing: social skills. 


I don't want to go as far as to say that he had Asperger's, but I have never encountered someone as socially inept as him. So if anyone ever intends to be a terrible date I thought I would give you a winning recipe, courtesy of Fraser :


1) When setting up your first time to talk on the phone and the girl suggests 10pm, tell her that is too late and maybe you will text instead. Changing your bedtime routine for her would be a sign of weakness.


2) When you do talk on the phone, tell the girl that you want to make sure you meet in the daytime so you can see her in "really good lighting". A girl needs that important reminder that you will be scrutinizing her down to her very pores.


3) When the girl asks you to arrange the date half an hour later because she will be rushing from lunch with a friend, don't compromise at all. Instead, say, "No, no we'll meet at 3pm." This doesn't show that you are rigid or controlling. Just lovably inflexible.


4) When you do meet the girl, make sure to pick a fight with the first topic she brings up. Women love to be challenged. You may hurt her feelings, but at least she can see what a great debater you are!

5) When the girl shows you a picture of her brand new baby niece, ignore the photo all together and instead point out the lovely icon arrangement on her iPhone. Paternalism is for losers. Show her she can have full rights and responsibilities of praising your unborn children.


6) When the girl is about three sips into her coffee, put on your coat and tell her you feel like doing something else. That isn't rude at all... it's spontaneous!


7) When you bring the girl to this new place (a book store), wait until she shows interest in some section, then promptly leave and do your own shopping. This way she can see how much independence you will give her.


8) When the girl points out a book that she is interested in reading, tell her it looks like crap. No sense in letting her waste her money. You know how to judge a book by its cover!


9) When you leave the store, walk slightly in front, as opposed to beside her. This will help reinforce to her that you are a leader.


10) When you abruptly decide that the date is over, tell her you would like to do this again sometime. She surely must have had as an enjoyable time as you!


Well, that's it my friends. My first eHarmony date, beginning to end. No embellishments necessary. (May I remind you that I'm now paying for this shit.) 


Lesson learned? Don't let your date get to number ten. I should have bailed on Fraser after number three. Lesson definitely learned.