If you had asked me a month ago, a week ago even, whether a laugh could be a deal-breaker for me, I would have absolutely said 'no'. Because, someone would have to be really shallow to judge a person on their laugh. Let me repeat : I would have said 'no'... before I met "The Hyena".
John and I met from my favourite site, Plenty Of Freaks. And I foolishly went into our date hopeful that my Prince Charming would be waiting for me. Instead, I ended up waiting for him because he showed up 30 minutes late. I might have left if he hadn't been incredibly handsome and super apologetic. The conversation was pretty good, and I was impressed, when halfway through the date, John asked me if I was free later in week to meet up again. Obviously this was a no-nonsense, straight-to-the-point kind of guy. So, I agreed.
Date number two took place at his condo, despite my father's protests when he cornered me before leaving. "A real man wouldn't invite you over for a second date," he warned. "He's no man of integrity!" So, maybe I should have listened to my over-protective father. It would have saved me from the wretched date that followed. But, I suppose, I would have nothing to type for you all today.
John's condo was beautiful. A two-story loft, spacious, modernly decorated. He even had a coffee table with an open flame swirling fire pit in the middle. I was very impressed. So we drove to the movie store and rented the film 'Get Him To The Greek'. I'm a big fan of comedies and I assumed it would be good for a laugh or two. I was wrong.
We got back to John's mind-blowing loft, snuggled up on the couch with some hot cocoa and some cheesecake. I was priding myself in going on date two, despite my dad's protests. But then the movie started, and so the funny started.... and so the laughing started.
Words cannot describe the noises that came from this handsome guy's mouth. The only way I can describe it is that he must be half hyena. Short, high-pitched shrieks, echoed off the walls. It was so ear-piercing that I actually had to check if my ears were bleeding. And if you have not yet seen 'Get Him To The Greek', it is hilarious, making my date all the more painful. I sat there, with him pulling me close beside him, and desperately wished that we had rented anything else. 'Schindler's List' would have been perfect. Why, oh why, did I not pick that off the shelf?
The night ended awkwardly. Part of me wanted to help the poor, handsome hyena man by telling him about his awful laugh. But then he may never laugh again... And maybe there is some part hyena woman roaming the streets, looking for her soul mate. So I left, I ignored his texts, and I haven't looked back. And I will never, ever, take a guy's normal laugh for granted again. All future dates can thank "The Hyena" for that.
In the last six days I feel like I have been through a first date, a marriage, and a divorce... all with one guy. Whom I met last Thursday.
Our first date was fairly promising. He was one of those "perfect on paper" guys. An engineer, tall, could play the guitar, close with his family, etc. All those things that make your ears perk up as a single lady. So I went into our first date at a local ice cream shop more optimistic than usual. The conversation was fairly good, he was fairly handsome, and it ended with a fairly good kiss. So, I opted to go for a second date.
But before our second date could occur (4 days later) I was bombarded with texts from him every few minutes, phone calls "just to say hi" a few times a day, and basically felt like I was being smothered by an obsessive stalker. This guy literally went from sweet to stalker in less than 24 hours.
I got a bit concerned when he decided he was taking me on our second date to a five star restaurant. I thought from ice cream we could maybe work our way up to... I don't know, Pizza Hut? But, no he insisted upon fine dining. I don't know about anyone else, but I don't like a guy spending tons of money early on, because if I figure out that I'm NOT into him, then I feel like there is some sense of obligation because he wined and dined me. And that is exactly what happened.
I showed up, and he immediately went in for the kiss on the lips. Umm, I don't think so, buddy. Just because we shared one kiss doesn't mean that you get those privileges all the time now. Then, at the dinner table, he kept longingly gazing at me like I was his long lost lover and he had just returned from war. The night got increasingly worse as he "couplefied" everything. Leg caresses on city bus, pulling me in to nuzzle on the couch, so tightly that my neck started to cramp, oh, and an invite to his brother's wedding. That was in two weeks. I wanted to scream out "I'm not your girlfriend! It's a second date for God's sake!" But, I didn't.
Instead, I ended the night by faking a headache, and I ended all interaction with him today after he continued to bombard me with texts and phone calls like a psychopath. I'm not even kidding... he would call before bed, then text me after we talked, then text me before my alarm went off the next morning, to find out what? What I dreamed about? If I had to get up in the night to go pee? Like, seriously! Only so much can happen to one person through the middle of a Tuesday night.
Anyway, I cut all ties this afternoon and gave him some pointers about coming on a little less strong in the future. Cause sweet is nice, but there is nothing sexy about stalker.
I realize that I basically just talk about my dating horror stories on here, but I would like to think that I can offer my cyber lady friends advice in other departments too. So, today I'm talking about a colour: PINK.
For the past week I have been sporting some new Barbie pink lipstick out and about. I felt sort of silly the first time I wore it, like I was out of some cheesy 80's aerobics video, but I cannot tell you the amount of winks, smiles, and lingering gazes that I got from men of all ages. I'm telling you, my pink pouter was like a vortex for any unsuspecting male passerby.
So I've started wearing Barbie pink lipstick everywhere now. Grocery shopping, the gym, the doctors office, picking up the mail, putting out the garbage. You name it, and I've got it on.
I also added a hot pink workout shirt to my wardrobe and it was an instant smash. So my latest purchase was some hot pink nail polish which I just put on, as I type with my nails still tacky.
Anyway, maybe I just looked particularly good this past week, or maybe, just maybe men have some magnetic attraction to the colour pink. So if you're looking to pick up this coming week, pucker up and go pink.
-CQ
The other night I came home from a mediocre date (not one worth blogging about) to find my most recent ex had changed his relationship status on Facebook from 'single' to 'in a relationship'. There is something so incredibly irritating about that little heart icon when it's beside the name of someone you used to sleep with. A little taunting heart saying you have officially been replaced.
However, I have a strategy for whenever I'm missing an ex by simply focusing on all of his little flaws that I used to overlook because I loved him. In this case, I thought about my ex's increasingly quick hair loss and the fact that when his hair was wet I could see nasty little bald spots. After focusing on my ex's thinning hair for five minutes, I realized I didn't miss him anymore, and the little heart icon didn't bother me so much.
This whole process did make me think about expectations and a "wish list" per say when it comes to guys. I realized quickly that in the past five years my wish list has changed drastically. (Come on, admit... you have the list too. We all do...) Here's what mine looks like:
AGE 20
-tall
-handsome
-full lips/ straight teeth
AGE 25 (now)
-taller than me
-still handsome in the right lighting
-full head of hair
AGE 30 (my predictions)
-not a midget
-not a complete troll
-still has a few hairs on his head and a working penis
I don't want to say that I'm starting to settle by any means. But I think as I get older, and the pool of eligible bachelors gets smaller, I'm needing to change my expectations. And by change, I mean lower...
But, for now, I can be happy that my Donald Trump-esque ex has found someone else and I can still hope to find a guy with a great mane. Because in five years I won't have a chance in hell...
Last summer, I worked briefly on a TV pilot and became friends with one of the production assistants. He was nice enough, and quickly became my "dinner buddy" on set. The problem was that every week he would ask me out on a date, and I had already openly told him that I was single and active in the dating scene.
And so, every Friday when he would ask me out, I would politely decline. He asked me what my "type" of guy was. So I did my very best to describe the opposite of him.
"6'4" or taller," I'd say. "Blond hair, blue eyes, chiseled, straight teeth, non-smoker, Christian..." The whole nine yards. You would think that being a short, chain smoking, Jewish guy that he would take a hint. But he was resilient and continued asking me out until the day our contracts ended.
So two months ago when he asked me to join a big group of people for Dim Sum on a Saturday afternoon, I was a bit skeptical. But since we had been dinner buddies, I thought one lunch would be harmless. NOPE.
He picked me up and when we arrived at Dim Sum I honestly didn't know how to react. Sitting at our table was his sister, brother-in-law, niece, and nephew. This was the "big group of people". I was awkwardly tricked into a freakin family brunch! Worse than that, he kept acting as if I was a long-time girlfriend, so I kept reminding the family how we hadn't seen each other in months.
Now, you would think that I would have been smart enough to cut all ties. But I always give people the benefit of the doubt, even when they don't deserve it. Maybe everyone else really had bailed last minute? So, last week when he called me up to ask me out to sushi with a "big group of people" I heard myself saying sure before I could even process it. My friends all told me to cancel, but I am a woman of my word, so I went.
When I arrived, I was relieved to discover that no family was in attendance, but then quickly learned that we were instead on a double date this time, with a married couple! Tricked AGAIN! I honestly couldn't believe that he would have the nerve to pull the same stint twice...
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I can now promise you that I will not be fooled another time. What would come next? A picnic with his grandma? So as far as my trickster is concerned, my 2011 calender is now fully booked. And maybe this has finally taught me how to say "no". Maybe...
