The Dick

Today, instead of writing about another catastrophic date, I thought I would copy and paste the most unusual message I have received so far in online dating land. It starts out witty, but quickly becomes vulgar, and I thought you could all help me to decipher what this twisted little man's intentions were. Enjoy.

-CQ

I read your profile and learned in the process that you aren’t really a fan of casual dating. I wanted to say from the outset that I am not either I am serious about finding someone for something lasting.

I also read that you are a professional writer which is a little intimidating especially within the context of composing a first contact letter because I know how important every little thing is in the beginning. So with that in mind, I’m not going to try to be witty or cleaver (I enjoy how he spelt 'clever' wrong) and instead I will just come straight to the point and tell you exactly the sort of long term relationship I am looking for.

Okay, seems fairly normal thus far. Read on...

Quite simply, I am desperately poor and I am looking for a woman to support me in style and introduce me into High Society with her Rich Writer Money. While I have no intention of actually getting a job and making a financial contribution to any relationship we may have, I am willing to help out around the around the house by physically threatening any servants you might have. Removing a prosthetic limb during dinner and waving it menacingly at your bus boy while demanding more butter can have an effect on your employees’ moral that has to be seen to be believed. 

Sort of funny, but now it starts to get weird.

Now that I have told you a little about me, I am sure you can imagine the rare find I truly am so it seems appropriate to turn to what I want out of a relationship besides your Rich Writer Money.

I am here because I want to put my penis in your vagina. I am not here because I want you to clean my house as many other women seem to believe. I am a man, I don't care if the house is clean.

I am not here because I want you to help me move to a new apartment and I'm too lazy to do the heavy lifting. It’s really so simple, the only thing I want to see you lift is my penis to your lips to make it hard and ready to be put it in your vagina.

WHAAAAAT?!!?

Money. Ok look: just because I want your Rich Writer Money doesn’t mean that I don’t want to put my penis in your vagina. One is not incompatible with the other.

Penis Penis Penis - Vagina Vagina Vagina. Penis in Vagina. Am I finally making myself clear to you?

Crystal clear, asshole.

Now when I say I want to put my penis in your vagina this isn't some metaphor referring to Bavarian Log Rolling nor do I want you to take me to Calgary so we can go on the luge. I mean it literally.

As a result of being on the internet and looking for vaginas I can put my penis in, I have become painfully aware that “Penis” has a different meaning in Kurdish and that “Vagina” has a different meaning in Swahili than they respectively do in English. First of all, I can assure you that I am using these words in their role as part of English Language. Second of all I don't do that sort of thing to a chicken and even if I did, I already have a brother so I wouldn't need you. I just want to put my penis in your vagina; there is no need to complicate this, randomly change the language you are reading in twice in the middle of the same sentence or over think things.

Okay he rambled on at this point and referenced “putting my penis in your vagina” six more times, each time becoming more explicit than than the previous.

In closing all I can say is that you should give me a chance, put my penis in your vagina and see what happens.
Your Humble and Obedient Servant
N

Really? REALLY!?!

P.S You may also want to read my profile for further background information on what a long term relationship with me would really be like.

Is this him admitting it was all a joke? So NOW I'm supposed to see the “real him” and realize how witty and unique he is ? 

I. DON'T. THINK. SO.