The Porcupine

Well it's safe to say that I have officially been on my worst blind date yet. The date began at 7:30pm and by 7:34pm I found myself awkwardly glancing down at my watch, trying to determine how long I would have to stay without being rude- was four minutes long enough?


My first red flag was the bottle of hair gel that my date had dumped into his hair and then proceeded to comb straight up into perfect little porcupine spikes. It was difficult to even listen to what he was saying as these glistening spikes kept hypnotizing me every time he moved his head. 


But I know that beauty also lies on the inside so I turned my attention to his conversation. It was then that I realized that under his rock-hard coif lay a tiny, little porcupine brain also. I mean this guy was dumb with a capital 'D'. He kept trying to tell me jokes that were so unfunny that he'd have to repeat them three times for me to even get what he was trying to say. I tried politely to laugh, which was entirely unnecessary as he was already laughing like a maniac at his own pathetic little joke muttering, "Ahhh, that's the best. The BEST!" So I guzzled our pitcher of beer and inhaled my meal, in an attempt to bring this one-man show to an end as fast as humanly possible.


Three excruciating hours later and I finally managed to make an excuse to leave- hey, who says 10:30pm on a Friday night isn't past my bedtime? I said goodbye and was just about to get onto the subway home when I felt my iPhone buzzing in my purse. And there it was. The final gem from my little porcupine. A short text reading: "Tewwy sad. No more Cwystal!" If TERRY thought that baby talk could redeem the terry-ble night(yes I went there), than his hair gel had seeped further into his brain than I thought. So another one bites the dust and another Friday night almost wasted if it weren't for the great writing material I gained. Hey, like I've said before- I can't make this shit up.